My Truth 365_76 – Compassion and Kindness

When I saw the meme pictured in this post, it really resonated with me. I’m not a licensed therapist or counselor – they definitely serve a purpose. Instead, I am an individual who is healthy enough to purposefully take myself to the next level by developing in the areas most needed.

Right now, I have a need to be kind to myself. I have recently been in a state of overwhelm.

I vacillate between concern for children and that of adult women. On one hand, I know that the trauma of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) can significantly change the trajectory of a child’s life impacting them mentally and physically well into adulthood (researched and evidence based). The good news is, at any point on the continuum, a positive loving environment can return someone to their authentic state of being.

“Why can’t you just love me?”

At this point in the conversation, I returned to the past and the little girl within used her authentic voice. That wasn’t a present day question. The adult woman I am today, fully understands what I am dealing with.

Compassion for others…

I especially have compassion for the little girl within me that seeks to be loved. I finally realize that she is the driving force behind everything I do to serve women and children.

The little girl within me hasn’t stopped seeking love from her mother. The adult woman that I am today is fully aware of the importance of that little girl’s story and need for acceptance by her mother. The little girl within is not out to get me, or keep me stuck. She wants to empower and liberate me by sharing her story.

The little girl within does not want her story to hurt or minimize the adult woman that I am today. The duality we represent is bound and determined to help other women become empowered and liberated from the pain of their past to live authentically in their present.

Kindness to Self…

Moving forward, I must be mindful enough to focus on what I value, desire, and need to be whole and authentic. This requires daily affirmations. Healing from hurts, habits, and hangups is a process. Taking the time to be kind to ourselves begins that process.

My relationship with my mother has evolved over the years to the point that as the adult woman, I can handle the distant, disengaged and critical relationship we have. However, I now realize that the little girl within sometimes has difficulty with it.

This is a huge break-through for me!

Peace and blessings,

Davina

My Truth 365_75 – Love Me…

Courtesy of Pixabay

Why can’t you just love me?

This question has become a mantra for me. When I asked my mother that question, I knew I would not get an answer. However, I was compelled to ask it because my brain is seeking a response. My survival depends on it. I believe the survival of the human race depends on love.

We are hardwired to survive.

Just about everything that humans have become serves that essential purpose [survival], in how we think, what emotions we experience, and the ways we behave and interact with others.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201206/is-our-survival-instinct-failing-us

I’m not sure if in the last month I have experienced depression or anxiety. Either way, I had to fight my way through it.

Having yet another negative discourse with my mother was the tipping point for me. In my heart, I want to be there for her until she takes her last breath or I take mine. Unfortunately, we represent oil and water; therefore, the two of us will not allow that to happen.

I ask her why can’t she just love me, and she can’t answer.

Now, I ask myself, why can’t I just love me – and that be enough?

Peace and blessings,

Davina

My Truth 365_74 – Toxic Stress (No Shame nor Blame)

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In my last post, I introduced the impact of toxic stress on children. I have blogged over the last few years about adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and the notion of resiliency. None of which are “feel good” topics. Yet, these topics are essential to understanding who people are in our society today. These topics are even more important to changing and improving the life trajectory of our youth who face a seemingly bleak tomorrow.

I continue to research ACEs and share my knowledge because I believe that anyone who affects the life of a child (parents, caregivers, extended family, teachers, school administrators, and medical providers) should be fully aware of how significant their contact is to the child.

“ACEs” stands for “Adverse Childhood Experiences.” These experiences can include things like physical and emotional abuse, neglect, caregiver mental illness, and household violence.

The more ACEs a child experiences, the more likely he or she is to suffer from things like heart disease and diabetes, poor academic achievement, and substance abuse later in life.

Harvard University Center on the Developing Child

I wish I understood this more when my son was a toddler on up until now. While I believe I was a fairly good mother, there are still many things I would have done different. My son tells me to “knock it off” when I say that, because he appreciates his life and all I have done right by him.

There is no shame or blame intended by this post. There are no perfect parents or children. My mother is who she is in my life partly due to her own ACEs. She is doing the best that she knows how. When she says that she doesn’t know how to love, she means it.

Toxic Stress

Experiencing many ACEs, as well as things like racism and community violence, without supportive adults, can cause what’s known as toxic stress. This excessive activation of the stress-response system can lead to long-lasting wear-and-tear on the body and brain.

Harvard University Center on the Developing Child

Stress Response System

This combination of reactions to stress is also known as the “fight-or-flight” response because it evolved as a survival mechanism, enabling people and other mammals to react quickly to life-threatening situations. … Unfortunately, the body can also overreact to stressors that are not life-threatening, such as traffic jams, work pressure, and family difficulties.

Over the years, researchers have learned not only how and why these reactions occur, but have also gained insight into the long-term effects chronic stress has on physical and psychological health. Over time, repeated activation of the stress response takes a toll on the body. Research suggests that chronic stress contributes to high blood pressure, promotes the formation of artery-clogging deposits, and causes brain changes that may contribute to anxiety, depression, and addiction. More preliminary research suggests that chronic stress may also contribute to obesity, both through direct mechanisms (causing people to eat more) or indirectly (decreasing sleep and exercise).

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response

Good News!

The harmful effects of ACEs and toxic stress can be reversed. All it takes is a change in the environment, building caring and safe relationships will make all the difference. This explains why you can meet a person who experienced a traumatic background that seem to have it all together in the present.

My Truth 365_73 – Childhood Vulnerability…

Courtesy of Pixabay

Definition of vulnerable

1: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2: open to attack or damage : vulnerable to criticism

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/vulnerable

During my last discourse with my mother, I asked her if she could just love me. She hung up the phone. In that moment, I mentally returned to my childhood. I was so desperate for an answer, I would have melted into my seat if she had simply said, “Of course I love you.” I asked myself, “Why at the age of 54 does that still matter to me?” My response, “…mothers are supposed to love their children.”

Later that day, she called while I was teaching, knowing I would not answer the phone. She left a voice message that stated she doesn’t know how to love me. She also said she doesn’t know what love is. Although I believe her it doesn’t stop me from desiring her love. It also makes me want to love her more, so she can see what it is like. Unfortunately, she refuses to be vulnerable enough with me to give or accept love.

I believe that ALL children deserve to be loved. Instead, what we see in our society is children who are exposed to neglect and abuse. What I realize now more than ever as someone who experienced it, a mother, and a teacher – those children grow up and there is a residual affect from that vulnerability that manifests all kinds of mental and physical issues.

It is important to begin the conversation with adults about their childhood because the root cause may be due to toxic stress from their childhood.

Toxic stress is a term used by psychologists and developmental neurobiologists to describe the kinds of experiences, particularly in childhood, that can affect brain architecture and brain chemistry. They typically are experiences that are bad for an individual during development such as severe abuse. Toxic stress has been defined also in terms of violence, other sorts of experience that a child can have that can be very powerful in a negative way on the brain.

https://www.dnalc.org/view/1226-Toxic-Stress.html

Continued…

My Truth 365_72 – Five Questions

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

I love questions because answering them requires thinking. It also requires you to take a chance by being vulnerable to share your Truth.

1. What have you learned about yourself through blogging?
   • I appreciate connecting with people world-wide.
2. What do you hope to accomplish through writing content either for yourself or others?
   • I hope to collaborate with others and curate information that will help others personally develop and grow in their authenticity.
3. In the spirit of Avengers Endgame. If your blog content had superpowers what would it be?
   • Automatically reach every reader that it needs to!
4. Who inspired you to become a content writer and what inspired you to choose the niche that you chose?
   • The pain of my past in the form of childhood trauma caused me to live a life wearing masks and people-pleasing. I had to learn to live authentically and speak my Truth day by day. Now, I write, speak, and blog about my journey. “Finding, Using, and Elevating Your Authentic Voice”
5. Spring and soon summer will be upon us. What are your spring/summer plans for this year?
   • Complete my first manuscript and publish a book.

I answered these questions in response to the Mystery Blogger Award.

Peace and blessings,

Davina

My Truth 365__71 – Inner Harmony

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In the late hours of the night and early morning while alone my thoughts hold me captive. I am a thinker. I process rapidly; which means I move through volumes of information at an incomprehensible speed in my mind. Sometimes it good information. Other times, it is reinforcing the negativity I have been fed since childhood.

The world is a difficult enough place without having an internal enemy who is always willing and ready to discuss your shortcomings. By taming your inner voice to focus on the good in your life and on your positive attributes, you can gain an ally in yourself. The one constant in your life is you. Learn to live peacefully with yourself by being kind and compassionate in your self-talk. With discipline and practice, this will become second nature and self-doubt and self-criticism will become something of the past.

Dr. Perry Ph.D. – https://makeitultrapsychology.wordpress.com/2019/03/19/the-power-of-self-talk/

Because of recent events, I find myself focused on living peacefully by taming my inner voice and focusing on the good in my life. I have a lot more to contribute to society and cannot afford the distraction. I know my value and worth. I understand my mission and vision.

The reason I end most emails, letters, and blog posts with “Peace and blessings,” is I value inner harmony (peace) for everyone. I believe it starts within ones own self (mind). I hope for people to be blessed to find their purpose in life; thereby giving them something positive to think about.

Today, I will consciously focus on taming my inner voice to achieve inner harmony. I will walk and talk with a peaceful mindset focused on my mission of inspiring others to live authentically – in alignment with their personal core values.

How will you achieve inner harmony today?

Peace and blessings,

Davina

My Truth 365_70 – I Tried To Be Silent…

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In the post, My Truth 365_69, I declared that I am not going to be silent. This morning while driving to work, I was trying my hardest to be silent. Why? I was in a conversation with my mother. She is typically the most negative person I speak to on the planet – but she’s my mother.

I go for days and even years without speaking to her until that voice in my head starts haunting me with “You only have one mother. You will miss her when she’s gone. She had a tough childhood. She doesn’t know how to show love. She has issues…”

It is no secret that she and I have had a difficult time getting along. I have tried so many different ways to make it work.

This morning, my mother decided that she would help me by pointing out my flaws – just because she was in that mode. She kept saying over and over, “What is wrong with you?”

Each time she asked the question, I would ask myself what is right with me in an effort to cure how I was feeling. The self-talk wasn’t enough. Memories from my childhood were flashing in my mind. I was being scolded about something that happened years ago and for no apparent reason.

To say that I was blindsided in this perfectly peaceful conversation is an understatement! Huh? What just happened? Those were my thoughts. So, my inner dialog was keep silent, do not make it worse. I listened to her recount her perspective on my bad choices and how she will go to her grave thinking about how I have treated her.

As a mother, I only know to express love to my son. Even if he disappoints me, I still love him dearly. I consider his feelings and we work through whatever it is at the moment. I especially learned to be this way with him because I did not want him to feel like I did as a child or young adult.

I really tried to be silent…I couldn’t do it.

I asked her, “Do you think this is a good time to have this conversation as I head to work to teach children?”

Next, my words were, “Why can’t you just love me?”

Although I asked that question in the present, it was rooted in the past. The little girl I used to be many years ago asked that question all the time. Just not in my mother’s presence.

Instead of answering my question, she hung up.

Now, once again, we aren’t speaking… I really do not get it.

My Truth 365_69 – Not Going To Be Silent

Courtesy of Pixabay

“It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent.”

Madeleine Albright

I remember a time when I hesitated to use my authentic voice. I was silent due to fear. I couldn’t rationalize what would happen if I spoke up. I was only a small child.

As I entered my teenage years, that started to change. I realized my power right out of high school during my first year of college. It was when a group of students encouraged me to run for Black Student Union President as a freshman. This told me that I had a voice and people actually listened to me.

I learned to adjust my volume, tone, and pitch to please others. I learned to calm others with a smile and be empathetic. I learned to see others through a divinely inspired lens – overlooking flaws (mine and theirs) to get to a precious common ground by nurturing relationships that matter.

I didn’t always know how to use my voice effectively. That got me into trouble occasionally. However, more often my voice benefited me in that I was seen as a natural born leader. ‘

Most importantly, I learned that my voice is essential and I am not going to be silent…

Peace and blessings,

Davina

My Truth 365_68 – Love and Compassion

“A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform.” ~

Diane Mariechild

As the founder of the TRIBE Authentic Woman (TAW) Workshop, I maintain a safe space for women to find, use, and elevate their authentic voice.

TAW has celebrated one year of coming together and exploring the notions that allow us to identify our TRUTH. When your walk and talk aligns with your personal core values – you are authentic.

My grandmother, mother, aunts, mother-in-law and so many other women inspired me (many of whom have passed on). I still replay conversations in my mind and think about the traumas they survived and the lessons they shared so that I would be able to travel a bit farther then they did on this journey called life.

I have personally invested countless hours to grow and develop myself. Over time, I recognized that I was equally vested in seeing others grow and positively transform their lives. Just as women inspired me, I yearned to inspire others.

It wasn’t always what they said to me that made the difference. It was the life they led that I witnessed that spoke volumes. It was the sacrifices that may not have paid off in their lifetime, but certainly bought and paid for the lessons in mine.

“The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.”

Tenzin Gyatso

My TRUTH is – I care. I am on a mission and my vision is clearly focused on inspiring and motivating women to be game changers worldwide.

Peace and blessings,

Davina

My Truth 365_67 – Positive Attitude

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Yesterday, I was feeling something heavy that I could not define. I called it depression. Today is better.

This morning as I drove in to work (returning to the classroom from Spring Break), I made a conscious decision to push through how I was feeling. My goal today was to find the positive in everything I could.

As a teacher, you must be careful how you present yourself with your students. This means whatever you have going on personally or professionally – you have to make them the priority and present them your best self. I expected no less from anyone responsible for educating my son when he was in school.

Adjusting my attitude definitely changed my mood and lifted the fog. Tonight, I am feeling so much better! Sometimes, we just have to stop, put things in perspective, and then proceed with caution until the fog lifts and we have a clearer view.

“A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.”

Joyce Meyer

This quote is my TRUTH today!

Peace and blessings,

Davina